There are some beautiful words in Japanese that can’t be translated into an english word. the title of my blog is
A way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the natural cycle of growth and decay.
I would like to start to live more like this. I don’t often find beauty in imperfections. Especially within myself. My view of myself is a distorted, misguided one. There are days that I just think I’m beautiful- pretty hair, pretty eyes, pretty voice.
Then there are days where no amount of make up will make up for my 200+ body. I don’t know what it means to NOT be fat. I have been “overweight” my entire life. There was a quick moment in time where I lost over 50 pounds, and while I didn’t gain it ALL back.. I gained most of it back and had to start right back at the beginning. Thats where I am now… the beginning and terrified.
I am turning 26 this year and lonely as ever. You hear it everyday- you don’t need love to feel loved… honestly, I call bullshit. I long to feel loved. I feel like I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. Friends & family fine… but the passionate, intimate, hopeless love is what I am dreaming of. But it all stems down to me feeling like I can’t love or be loved until I’m skinny. And we can be as “body activist” as we want, but it does not change the fact that people simply don’t love a short, fat girl. Is it because she doesn’t love herself? maybe… but it’s also because you don’t give her a chance.
You don’t know that she is talented, multi-lingual, well-traveled. She is interesting… but you just see the extra 70 pounds staring back at you.
honestly, it sucks. it always sucks. it’s hard to not compare yourself to everyone around you… that turns to jealousy… and then into judgement. I’ve gotten a lot better but those feeling still creep in once in a while.
I’m actively trying to change. I don’t want to keep this cycle going. When you’re younger, you think that at 26 everything will be perfect… I used to think I’d have a husband and kids (let’s all laugh together). Instead, I’m still getting my bachelors degree & a virgin. (eye roll) but you know, I’m trying.
Here’s to actively changing, getting to know myself and getting to love myself.