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Shanti

I have been getting signs lately than maybe my name is Shanty for a reason. I feel a calling bigger than myself and it seems like it has always been there. As I did research on my name- I found out it is a common yoga practice that means inner peace as you can see above. What brings me peace? What can bring this world peace? I feel like these are my callings. After watching a documentary called “Daughters of Destiny” and seeing that the school name is Shanty Bhavan- this was another sign. Then, my best friend sends me a gift for my birthday with the word “purpose” on it. It just seems so fitting. My purpose is to make the world better- its not just for me its a greater calling with a greater impact. I just need to find out what this means and I hope I have the opportunities, drive, and perseverance to make this happen.

Om Shanti Om

Something beautiful

I had a conversation with a friend recently talking about how sad I was about not loving my body and she told me that she has been doing this new thing where she will kiss a part of her body as a “Thank you” for what you do. That, was so beautiful to hear. I really love that she shared that with me. This conversation reminded me of a yoga class I took one day that really moved me. At the end of the class, the teacher asked us to put our right hand on our heart and our left hand on our belly. She asked us to center our breath and focus on how much our heart does for us, how we should be grateful for its constant work to keep up moving and living. (tearing up as i write this…) this way to think about your body really changed me, but I forgot about that until this conversation with my friend.

So this morning, I went to the gym and had a great cardio workout! Then I came back home and was really sore so ¬†I decided to put on an at home yoga video to stretch and relax my aching muscles. I didn’t feel quite done so I put on some relaxing yoga music and I did some of my favorite stretches. Then, I did what the teacher told us to do. I put my hand on my heart and my belly and i closed my eyes and I focused my energy starting from my feet up and I thanked every part of me:

  • thank you feet for holding me up and getting me around where I need to go even though you hurt sometimes, you keep me up
  • thank you legs for allowing me to walk and although I think you’re too big, you help me dance and move ūüôā
  • thank you butt- for being kinda cute and allowing me to shake what my momma gave me
  • thank you stomach- ¬†because even though i think you’re too big as well, you you nourish my body, you also help me breathe and expand when i need to sing ( i stopped and cried when i got to stomach because i could not think of anything nice to say but i did not let my self move on until i was appreciative for something)
  • thank you hips- you may be wide, but you will be perfect for when I have kids, you show what a woman looks like with curves and you will be a perfect spot for a baby to latch on to when i carry them
  • thank you boobs and chest- you will nourish my future child and it is the most beautiful gift
  • thank you arms/ hands- again, i think you’re too large but i could not be able to live life as comfortably as i do without you! you help me write, show my emotions when i talk, drive, anything and everything
  • thank you ears for listening to beautiful things and for being a listening vessel for other people
  • thank you eyes for allowing me to see this world- good and bad
  • thank you mouth- you allow me to sing and express myself

I laid there and I cried and I changed.

i am grateful.

It has not been easy

I have not written in a long time because I had to work some issues out with myself. I found myself not eating enough and going to bed hungry and feeling guilty about everything I ate. Basically, I just was not eating enough and it started to scare me because I could feel some sort of eating disorder creeping in and I know I never want to go down that route. So, I had to pause and reflect on what I was doing. Yes, the number on the scale was consistently going down and that made me happy but I was not feeding my body what it desperately needed. I mentioned something to my cousin (who is studying nutrition) and she shut me down real fast and told me that my metabolism needs to be sped up and what I was doing was the exact opposite. So I started eating MORE  and exercising less because it was so cold this week that I had zero motivation to do anything (especially shlepping my ass to the gym and then venturing in 20 degree weather with a sweaty shirt)- NO thank you!

But anyway, eating more (more carbs, more snacks) and working out less and I was losing weight FASTER than before. This really created a shift in my brain. I realized what I was doing was not going to be sustainable ¬†and was not going to be a ” lifestyle change” *buzz word buzz word*. I am really happy I was able to catch myself before I went further down that dark road.

This is such a mindset and knowing its long term and not just an easy fix. ITS NOT EASY. But I can’t keep starting over. I won’t keep starting over.

‚̧

holy 5k training

THIS IS HARD.

I literally can not run for 2 minutes straight…

CAN’T DO IT.

I’m nervous. i don’t want to be the LAST person in the 5k. ugh!

at this rate, i really can’t imagine that ill be a running machine. i really can’t.

 

ALSO… i have been drinking water like crazy and hoping that it will help me get under 200…

therefore i can’t stop peeing.

like brb gotta pee…

back.

I’m going to go try and run outside: day 2 week 2 of the 5k training.

probably gonna kick my ass.

lets see!

 

5k…

I signed up for a 5k…

I started the training program this week and honestly, so far so good. Granted, this week is 6 intervals of: run (but in my case¬†really light jog) for 1 minute and walk for 4. It totals to 30 minutes… and I feel pretty good about it when I’m done.

HOWEVER, at the end of 12 weeks I’m supposedly going to run straight for 30 minutes?? now, don’t get me wrong… i believe in myself but LOL to me running straight for 30 minutes!!! This actually scares the shit out of me and would probably be one of the biggest shocks of my life if it actually happened…

check back in 12 weeks!!

im  itching to find out how the story ends!

Wabi sabi

There are some beautiful words in Japanese that can’t be translated into an english word. the title of my blog is

wabi sabi:

A way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the natural cycle of growth and decay.

I would like to start to live more like this. I don’t often find beauty in imperfections. Especially within myself. My view of myself is a distorted, misguided one. There are days that I just think I’m beautiful- pretty hair, pretty eyes, pretty voice.

Then there are days where no amount of make up will make up for my 200+ body. I don’t know what it means to NOT be¬†fat.¬†I have been “overweight” my entire life. There was a quick moment in time where I lost over 50 pounds, and while I didn’t gain it ALL back.. I gained most of it back and had to start right back at the beginning. Thats where I am now… the beginning and terrified.

I am turning 26 this year and lonely as ever. You hear it everyday- you don’t need love to feel loved… honestly, I call bullshit. I¬†long to feel loved. I feel like I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. Friends & family fine… but the passionate, intimate, hopeless love is what I am dreaming of. But it all stems down to me feeling like I can’t love or be loved until I’m skinny. And we can be as “body activist” as we want, but it does not change the fact that people simply don’t love a short, fat girl. Is it because she doesn’t love herself? maybe… but it’s also because you don’t give her a chance.

You don’t know that she is talented, multi-lingual, well-traveled. She is¬†interesting… but you just see the extra 70 pounds staring back at you.

honestly, it sucks. it always sucks. it’s hard to not compare yourself to everyone around you… that turns to jealousy… and then into judgement. I’ve gotten a lot better but those feeling still creep in once in a while.

I’m actively trying to change. I don’t want to keep this cycle going. When you’re younger, you think that at 26 everything will be perfect… I used to think I’d have a husband and kids (let’s all laugh together). Instead, I’m still getting my bachelors degree & a virgin. (eye roll) but you know, I’m trying.

Here’s to actively changing, getting to know myself and getting to love myself.

Wabi sabi